[ he does know that. or maybe it's he thought he knew that and he wasn't wrong, but he wasn't right either. he is, as others have noticed, rather easy to get caught off-guard in certain situations. it happened the first time they spoke and for as much as he was badly acting at the time, the fluster was genuine. but it was easy for that to be a one time thing, because it wasn't at all serious and that wasn't even his real face in so many ways besides.
he also has ears all over the grounds even if he isn't literally in the walls. he doesn't pick up on everything but he has a sense of a shift of moods, especially between others. it's not lost on him who's getting close (even if he doesn't know the details), so he knows that hwylryn is like "this", that he gets along with most others, is overly affectionate and everything that comes with it. so having an interest in him, liking him has just been part of "this".
but it still bothered him, even if it was only on the point of pride where he didn't quite get why. because hwylryn's whims didn't match up exactly how he expected, post tia's death and more than that, post execution. letting him be a dragon again aside, he's under no illusion that being picked as executioner is a gift in most situations. and the trade they made after that was enlightening even if ish still didn't get it entirely (still doesn't in other shapes). what it had brought him was acceptance and fondness. the yearning, the desire, the acting upon it to follow whims will always be sweet to him, sickly so in some cases. if hwylryn is someone who encapsulates that, then he's a kindred spirit in some way. more than that, the reasons he had given him weren't that shallow at all. he felt that somewhere, even if he didn't express it at the time. but really, what he actually heard the most were cain's rendition of him at trial and hwylryn's response, and that very simple wish at the pond.
there are emotions he remembers, sensations he remembers from when he was young and knew nothing but happiness and curiosity. they're faded, worn, but still etched on his heart. he knows what he's feeling, the whisper of it he thinks—well, maybe not right now.
right now all he can see is gossamer strands of white, moonlit silver; he can feel the flutter of eyelashes and the warmth of their colors. he doesn't look at the world the way humans do, but that doesn't mean he's blind to beauty.
he opens his lips to speak and feels the way they brush against one another, just barely.
ah, he'll have to try again.
this time he curls his fingers, grasping ahold of "this", whatever "this" is himself. an anchor, even if it's only for this moment. ]
I couldn't go. Right now—
[ is it he couldn't leave right now, or that he couldn't and he has something else to say? he trails off there because he really can't string more than two words together like this. ]
no subject
he also has ears all over the grounds even if he isn't literally in the walls. he doesn't pick up on everything but he has a sense of a shift of moods, especially between others. it's not lost on him who's getting close (even if he doesn't know the details), so he knows that hwylryn is like "this", that he gets along with most others, is overly affectionate and everything that comes with it. so having an interest in him, liking him has just been part of "this".
but it still bothered him, even if it was only on the point of pride where he didn't quite get why. because hwylryn's whims didn't match up exactly how he expected, post tia's death and more than that, post execution. letting him be a dragon again aside, he's under no illusion that being picked as executioner is a gift in most situations. and the trade they made after that was enlightening even if ish still didn't get it entirely (still doesn't in other shapes). what it had brought him was acceptance and fondness. the yearning, the desire, the acting upon it to follow whims will always be sweet to him, sickly so in some cases. if hwylryn is someone who encapsulates that, then he's a kindred spirit in some way. more than that, the reasons he had given him weren't that shallow at all. he felt that somewhere, even if he didn't express it at the time. but really, what he actually heard the most were cain's rendition of him at trial and hwylryn's response, and that very simple wish at the pond.
there are emotions he remembers, sensations he remembers from when he was young and knew nothing but happiness and curiosity. they're faded, worn, but still etched on his heart. he knows what he's feeling, the whisper of it he thinks—well, maybe not right now.
right now all he can see is gossamer strands of white, moonlit silver; he can feel the flutter of eyelashes and the warmth of their colors. he doesn't look at the world the way humans do, but that doesn't mean he's blind to beauty.
he opens his lips to speak and feels the way they brush against one another, just barely.
ah, he'll have to try again.
this time he curls his fingers, grasping ahold of "this", whatever "this" is himself. an anchor, even if it's only for this moment. ]
I couldn't go. Right now—
[ is it he couldn't leave right now, or that he couldn't and he has something else to say? he trails off there because he really can't string more than two words together like this. ]