( His feelings toward Ish are complicated. Ish has set up this little game for his own selfish ends
- and they are selfish! even if it's to the end that hwylryn suspects, it's selfish! and he knows it and he looks it in the eye because he's selfish, himself! -
and Ish has placed them in this circumstance where he is losing people at a rate that, to him, feels like there's a friend gone every minute, and more will be taken from him soon.
(and does this address all those he'd lost already, but cannot recall? his heart aches for that, too.)
His heart had already shattered, before he'd come - and now he's dragging the sharp edges of himself through routine just to make it to the end, for when he'll be released, and allowed to rest.
It is cruel.
But he has lived too long (maybe too long) to divide this world into things he likes and dislikes. He has all the quizzical confusion of a Northern heart, and all the zest and intrigue of a Western spirit. He has needled at Ish idly until he got caught on a hook, and became curious - something small that began a shift from this is our host, and he is cruel, and he is capricious, and there is nothing to be done about it to this is our host, and he is cruel, and he is these other things, and i wonder why, and i like that i don't know. And in all his years he has pursued interest in others, very rare is it that these people have turned their gaze back to him.
Even if it is only idle curiosity, because he is novel to Ish. Even if Ish may not be the first to meet his gaze. He is the first person like Ish is who has.
And though he is hurt - hurting - he likes that. His heart moves too easily. He cannot help what he likes. Despite his grief, and despite his loss, he is - simple. He likes what he likes, and he is what he is. The only reason he's begun to collapse beneath his own weight is because reality does not allow for it. )
... Then I hope you enjoy what you see, as you watch. ( saying this despite knowing ish is a westie who likes pain and suffering. sighs. (not entirely neg). ) For as long as I stay around.
( ... Because he may die. Will die, surely. Whether by someone's hand, or when he is returned home, to battle...
But such as it is. Even a thousand lifetimes isn't enough to finish knowing another person. He likes the idea of this being something incomplete - without punctuation; a empty pages, meant for continuation. Ones that may never be filled. )
... But I guess I don't mind being an unfinished story for you to puzzle over, either. Please stay alive long enough to remember me.
no subject
- and they are selfish! even if it's to the end that hwylryn suspects, it's selfish! and he knows it and he looks it in the eye because he's selfish, himself! -
and Ish has placed them in this circumstance where he is losing people at a rate that, to him, feels like there's a friend gone every minute, and more will be taken from him soon.
(and does this address all those he'd lost already, but cannot recall? his heart aches for that, too.)
His heart had already shattered, before he'd come - and now he's dragging the sharp edges of himself through routine just to make it to the end, for when he'll be released, and allowed to rest.
It is cruel.
But he has lived too long (maybe too long) to divide this world into things he likes and dislikes. He has all the quizzical confusion of a Northern heart, and all the zest and intrigue of a Western spirit. He has needled at Ish idly until he got caught on a hook, and became curious - something small that began a shift from this is our host, and he is cruel, and he is capricious, and there is nothing to be done about it to this is our host, and he is cruel, and he is these other things, and i wonder why, and i like that i don't know. And in all his years he has pursued interest in others, very rare is it that these people have turned their gaze back to him.
Even if it is only idle curiosity, because he is novel to Ish. Even if Ish may not be the first to meet his gaze. He is the first person like Ish is who has.
And though he is hurt - hurting - he likes that. His heart moves too easily. He cannot help what he likes. Despite his grief, and despite his loss, he is - simple. He likes what he likes, and he is what he is. The only reason he's begun to collapse beneath his own weight is because reality does not allow for it. )
... Then I hope you enjoy what you see, as you watch. ( saying this despite knowing ish is a westie who likes pain and suffering. sighs. (not entirely neg). ) For as long as I stay around.
( ... Because he may die. Will die, surely. Whether by someone's hand, or when he is returned home, to battle...
But such as it is. Even a thousand lifetimes isn't enough to finish knowing another person. He likes the idea of this being something incomplete - without punctuation; a empty pages, meant for continuation. Ones that may never be filled. )
... But I guess I don't mind being an unfinished story for you to puzzle over, either. Please stay alive long enough to remember me.